The Substitute Teacher
There will never be a substitute for that in which we truly hunger. One well and one well only, the well that lies within can only quench our insatiable thirst. But if we take a moment and become aware of our chosen substitutes, we open the door for them to become our teacher, guiding us towards the real nourishment we seek.
One of the main purposes for doing the Whole30 was to take time to look deeper at what the creators, Dallas and Melissa Hartwig, term as “dragons,” those triggers that lure us into making unconscious food decisions. In the game of life, food is currently my medium for learning and integrating, as I am certain that if I am lured unconsciously into certain food choices, I know those dragons are also steering the show in other areas of my journey. A typical nutritional dragon is the sugar dragon, however we have others that can be way more stealth and inconspicuous. Often these are the subtle dragons that lie dormant and are only used in the need to create more refined substitutes for our cravings. I, for example, have a “nut dragon.”
On Day 9 of Whole30 I paid closer attention to the finer print. Now that I have the overall basics of the regimen under my belt: eat 3 meals a day that include fruits, vegetables, and an animal source protein, leaving out all dairy, sugar, alcohol, legumes, and grains, while attempting not to snack, I have noticed that I am trying to find loopholes wherever I can, which are only little dragons that appear here and there wanting to be fed. Part of the program is to hone in on our triggers, finding where we are soothing ourselves with food. In the book, there is a much more detailed list that includes items that are best eaten and others that are better consumed occasionally, and as we are all adults our choices are left fully to our discretion but we are highly encouraged to reflect on why we have propensities towards certain foods.
On the Whole30 food list, although nuts and nut butters are put in the okay and occasional section depending on the nut, I have been running with the assumption I could not have them. It turns out I have been subconsciously trying to drive out all sorts of little dragons when I made this speculation. Yet, when I saw the fine print I wasn’t relieved to see that I could have cashews and cashew butter, I was actually a little bit irritated. I didn’t go reach for the sweetness and creaminess of nut butter, instead I realized that I was trying to use this little dragon to mask something, although I didn’t know what, and the feeling of frustration was the coming to terms with that I was getting exactly what I wanted, to see what it is that I really hunger for. Ah, sometimes getting what we want can be so irritating when we have to actually stop and pay attention to it. Of course, we can wait until the next go round but no matter what, we will have to come face to face with what it is we are starving and striving for: love, attention, a hug, creativity, oneness, togetherness, etc.
All the substitutes we use from alcohol to sex to food to our work are all a cover up for what is actually asking to be nourished. Perhaps in each of us it is the same or perhaps not. The core desire, I believe, is universal, love, but how the yearning appears may arise as unworthiness, loneliness, rejection, shame, or guilt. But the great thing about all the substitutes we use, no matter the form or function, is that they are all teachers guiding us towards the inner well of our eternal nourishment, if we but only let these little dragons have a voice and a moment of our attention.
It may appear as though I am trying to starve this dragon, as I refuse to give in to her sneaky demands, but I am not. I am actually trying to have a conversation with her because I am sincerely curious as to what it is she really wants and I honestly want to give it to her. And although it feels like I am trying to ask an upset child what she needs in the throes of a tantrum, by not feeding this dragon, I am letting it know I am present and listening, that I am open to what she has to say and will not judge her or shame her either way, for there is no right or wrong answer, there is only understanding. Sometimes I feel like I am broken record asking, “why do I want this? Why? Why? Why?” waiting patiently for a good, consistent answer; one that feels like I have reached the core, the truth. When engaging in conversation with my dragon, I hear one voice that immediately replies, “just because I do…” It is a harmless yet abrupt response, which lets me know it is the ego telling me to just eat it and get over it. There can be some truth to this but in order to see it one must be very present to its subtleties rather than its tricks. There is truth in just eating what we want when we want it because we do. But you see, there is an innocence in that and from innocence there can be no guilt. But sometimes the ego can co-opt a form of innocence and the aftermath is often guilt or shame. The ego runs off laughing and momentarily satisfied while we are left to pick up the leftovers of our emotional residue.
Yet, if I am patient and wait until the one voice that speaks first and loudest is finished, I find that behind it is this beautiful, still, small voice that whispers, “There is something still to be learned here.” She is a gentle voice that says, “be patient, my child, there is a precious answer that is awaiting your attention once you get past this point. Hold on. Listen for just a bit longer.” And as I do, frustration leaves and emptiness appears. I sense the fear in the void and hear the soft call for love, it is my answer. I check in with my body and I come to find out that there is no physical hunger related to this request at all, it is a hunger that only wants my presence, attention, and love. And, fortunately, the way I was led to this spaciousness was by my substitute teacher.
Substitutes are signposts on the walk in miracles. They are what we have commonly used to look away rather than towards. But if we can recognize them for what they are, we can then use them as a trigger to hold our gaze while we keep looking at what is in front of us asking for our attention. We can use it as a signal to begin to dig deeper and deeper until the light touches absolutely everything and in doing so, we become fully nourished. Starvation is not the enemy, our resistance to feeling it is, and the substitutes we use to feed our hunger are our beautiful teachers in disguise leading us to the well. Namaste.